PAC VIII: "I think it's time for a new il Papa."
by Thomas M. Kelly © 2012
SUPER
Political Action Comedy
"SUPER PAC"
A series of ten + minute plays
by Thomas M. Kelly & Seamus O'Shea.
Comments on the politics of the times:
Characters:
WHAMor: Wobble Head Assemblage & Marketing Creator and Lord of the world of Political Wobble Heads®™, il Papa Norquist (anti-tithing crusader), Bob Corker, Saxby Chambliss, Jeff Sessions, Lindsay Graham, Eric Cantor, Peter King and John McCain, and any such Wobble Heads as the establishment so chooses.
Wobble Head Rules:
Wobble Heads have labels "Made in China" on there backside.
Wobble Heads do not walk, they wobble side to side, and turn in place by wobbling.
Only the head on all models of the Wobble Head moves. The arms and legs are rigidly placed by their sides.
Wobble Heads are created by The Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing, "WHAM" or "WHAMor" for short and staff of Wobble Head makers.
Set:
On a storage shelf labeled "Wobble Heads: Old and New" in the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet.
Grover Norquist, il Papa Norquist, has stated that the pledge is to the voters. Yet when a candidate refuses to sign the pledge or violates it, it is Grover who uses his financial power to defeat them. Visit www.groverno.org to join the coalition to support the brave people who have refused to play the Grover game.
(Wobble Heads® on stage: il Papa Norquist (anti-tithing crusader), Bob Corker, Saxby Chambliss, Jeff Sessions, Lindsay Graham, Eric Cantor, Peter King and John McCain.)
(Set: Storeroom shelf at the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet.)
il Papa Norquist
Thinking something out loud is not a sin.
Eric Cantor
Excuse me il Papa, but that doesn't make sense. If that were the criteria, anything we think could be subject to dogmatic scrutiny. You, your eminence, are only the Pope. Not God, or the King or the President. Only il Papa.
il Papa Norquist
It is political dogma that those who are loyal to me, and those Excremental others, who publicly think deeply about and speak at length to accept tithing increases on the wealthiest congregants may be guilty of thinking out loud "impure thoughts".
Eric Cantor
To be committed to a dogmatic solemn vow or covenant when the possibility of endangering the future of our devoted community, our Ministry, is at risk, is kind of immature and puerile.
Bob Corker
There is a growing group of folks who are ... realizing that we who have endorsed your covenant don't have a lot of blessings as it relates to the tithing issue before year's end.
il Papa Norquist
All the advocates of a more generous Ministry hear is that you will vote for a tithing increase. You vowed to oppose any efforts to boost tithing and to oppose any net reduction or elimination of deductions and credits, unless matched dollar for dollar by further reducing tithing rates.
Bob Corker
They will hear that I am honoring the oath I take when I serve.
Eric Cantor
When I go to my followers, it is not about that covenant. It is really about trying to solve problems that our Ministry is facing.
il Papa Norquist
Those who have signed my covenant, hold leverage. They have the power to hold up approval of a hike in the Ministry's borrowing limit - known as the debt ceiling. I also have the power to hold up approval of the so-called Continuing Resolution that funds the Ministry.
Saxby Chambliss
I signed the covenant when the Ministry's debt was nowhere near its current 16 quadrillion dollar level.
Jeff Sessions
Oh, I signed it and, yes, I still supports its goals, but we've got to deal with the crisis we face. We've got to deal with the reality of the opposition's victory.
Saxby Chambliss
Times have changed. I care more about my country than I do about a 20-year-old covenant. If we follow il Papa Norquist's way, then our Ministry will continue in debt. I'm frankly not concerned about the il Papa Norquist covenant.
Lindsey Graham
I agree with il Papa Norquist, we shouldn't raise tithing rates. But I think il Papa Norquist is wrong when it comes to whether we not capping debits and/or buy down the Ministry debt.
Peter King
I will violate the covenant — long story short — for the good of the Ministry. A covenant I signed 18 years ago, 20 years ago, was for that Ministry. The world has changed, and the Ministry's economic situation is different.
il Papa Norquist
When it is time to answer for their sins I will certainly highlight those who have kept their commitment and those who have not. They will pay!
John McCain
The covenant is losing its clout. Fewer and fewer people are signing this covenant. If you think it strange to hear il Papa defend a two decades old ‘no-tithing’ covenant in the face of the Ministry’s fiscal dilemmas, you have to understand that il Papa Norquist's crusade is for extremely wealthy congregants, not your congregants.
il Papa Norquist
My crusade is where extremely wealthy congregants spend their money (tax-free, of course) to keep me on retainer to prevent them from having to pay increased tithing. I then use their secretly donated funds to either strong-arm or buy Ministers, and curry favor with the part of the congregation that think that Clint Eastwood is a political pundit. I am not in the business of avoiding the budgetary escarpment of the Ministry. I and the people whose interests I serve are only in favor of maintaining a status quo. They contribute a smaller percentage year after year in tithing. They’re well prepared for any economic crisis the country will face.
John McCain
Instead of increased tithing they pay you a seven or eight digit salary.
il Papa Norquist
Those who violate the covenant would not have the power they have today if they hadn't made that commitment. If they sin by violating the covenant, they are going to have to have a conversation with their congregants about keeping their word.
Lindsey Graham
I think it's time for a new il Papa.
Eric Cantor
I'll second that.
(Lights down.)
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