PAC XI: "Two million pizzas!?"
by Seamus O'Shea © 2012
SUPER
Political Action Comedy
"SUPER PAC"
A series of ten + minute plays
by Thomas M. Kelly & Seamus O'Shea.
Comments on the politics of the times:
Before and after the 2012 Elections.
Characters:
WHAMor: Wobble Head Assemblage & Marketing Creator and Lord of the world of Political Wobble Heads®™, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan(where ever Mitt Romney & Paul Ryan wobble they wobble backward or side to side weaving and bobbing), Bill Clinton, Beebee Netanyahu, Bella Abzug, JFK, FDR, LBJ, HST, Sir Winston, Teddy Roosevelt, Sarah Palin, Hilary Clinton, Harry Reid, Dickie Cheeeney, Joe Biden, Karl Rove, Anne Romney, Claire McCaskill, Clint Eastwood, Todd Akin. Gabriel Gomez, John Soltz, Rudy Giuliani, Stephanie Cutter, John Bolton, Reince Priebus, Jim DeMint, Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, John Huntsman, Liz Cheeeney, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. (Any such as the establishment so chooses.)
Premise:
Wobble Head Rules:
Wobble Heads have labels "Made in China" on there backside.
Wobble Heads do not walk, they wobble side to side, and turn in place by wobbling.
Only the head on all models of the Wobble Head moves. The arms and legs are rigidly placed by their sides.
Wobble Heads are created by The Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing, "WHAM" or "WHAMor" for short and staff of Wobble Head makers.
Set:
On a storage shelf labeled "Wobble Heads: Old and New" in the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet.
No more than five actors on stage at one time. All other Wobble Heads do not speak unless spoken to.
Premise:
Wobble Head Rules:
Wobble Heads have labels "Made in China" on there backside.
Wobble Heads do not walk, they wobble side to side, and turn in place by wobbling.
Only the head on all models of the Wobble Head moves. The arms and legs are rigidly placed by their sides.
Wobble Heads are created by The Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing, "WHAM" or "WHAMor" for short and staff of Wobble Head makers.
Set:
On a storage shelf labeled "Wobble Heads: Old and New" in the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet.
No more than five actors on stage at one time. All other Wobble Heads do not speak unless spoken to.
PAC XI: "Two million pizzas!?" by Seamus O'Shea © 2012
(Wobble Heads® on stage: John Schnatter (Papa John Pizza), and Robert E. Murray (Murray Energy Corporation) and Jennifer Anderson (Davis Hardware) are standing in the semi-darkness. They are worried.)
(Set: Storeroom shelf at the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet.)
John Schnatter
Does anybody have any idea what time it is?
Robert E. Murray
It's late.
Jennifer Anderson
It's too late. I'm sure.
John Schnatter
We lost.
Jennifer Anderson
I lost control of my employees! Mitt said we could send a letter to all of our employees urging them to “Vote Romney” when they hit the polls Tuesday.
Robert E. Murray
Yup. Thas' wha' 'e said. We lost control of our young people, including those in my own family. I even offered a prayer.
Jennifer Anderson
I lost control of my company. I felt, as a business owner, a moral obligation to tell my employees the concerns I have. I see a momentous event coming.
John Schnatter (Crying.)
Ah' lost control of mah Pizzas! That's what! Ah' promised 'em two million pizzas if they voted Romney/Ryan. Now I'm being boycotted by the millions of pizza lovers 'n' Ah' still haf'ta' pay up wi' two million pizzas. If I don't they'll go over to my competition....Pizza Hut and Domino's. Two million pizzas. Down the tubes! For naught! (Crying. Booohooo.)
Jennifer Anderson
Symposium. I think they make better pizza.
John Schnatter
Symposium?
Robert E. Murray
What the hell is "symposium"?
Jennifer Anderson
A local pizzeria. (As from a media ad.) Authentically Greek! Authentically excellent Pizza.
Robert E. Murray
They never will know what America was like or might have been. They will pay the price in their reduced standard of living and, most especially, reduced freedom. Not as much as Mitt promised but they'll suffer, Damnit!
John Schnatter
Two million pizzas. That's another .... twenty-four to thirty-two million dollars! Dumped on a loser!
Jennifer Anderson
I just wanted to tell them that it is their choice who they vote for, but I also wanted to share with them my concerns and how I felt how their vote will impact our company: including Obamacare. If my company is impacted, my employees will be impacted.
Robert E. Murray
My regret, Lord, is that the takers outvoted the producers.
John Schnatter
My employees will pay for this! I'll find out who they voted for. I'll make them take a lie-detector test. They'll pay.... one way or another. The government will not take the cottage that I built for my family from the profits of "Papa John Pizza".
Robert E. Murray
II Peter, Chapter 1, verses 4-9 it says, “To faith we are to add goodness... . I've been good.
Jennifer Anderson
There was no threat to any individual employee, no harassment of an individual employee, this was not distributed with paychecks, it was not forced upon them. I really, really care about my employees, I really, really care about my customers and I am deeply concerned. (Crying. Booohooo.)
Robert E. Murray
...to goodness, knowledge; to knowledge, self control... Ah' know what self-control is. Ah' lied about mah age so Ah' could work in a coal mine at the age o' 16 and provide for mah family after mah pa's minin' accident. We had nothin' but us'selves.
John Schnatter
Why are you talking like that? You graduated the advanced management program at the Harvard Graduate School of Business. Who do you think your kidding?
Robert E. Murray
Yup. But at that time, like Ah' tol' ya' we had nothin but us'selves.
Jennifer Anderson
I wanted to be respectful of everyone’s opinion and I would ask the same of them for me. Yes, I believed I was trying to influence a vote. You educate people through information. Did I force anyone or demand anything of any of my employees? No.
Robert E. Murray
... to self control, perseverance... Ah' suffered several mining accidents... why once't Ah' was hit in the head with an 18-foot steel beam. Ah' persevered. Thank ya', Lord.
John Schnatter
Did you vote for Obama/Biden and Obamacare? No. I can't ask that.
Robert E. Murray
... to perseverance, godliness... I go to church. I believe in god.
John Schnatter
How did you vote slime-ball? No. That neither.
Jennifer Anderson
I guarantee I’m not going to change California or Davis’ results with my letter. It’s a process to educate; my entire process was to educate people about what can happen if they vote for Obama.
Robert E. Murray
...to godliness, kindness... I'm a kind man. Didn't I let my
Powhatan mine unionize?
John Schnatter
Do you believe in God our almighty saviour? No. Can't touch religion.
Robert E. Murray
... to brotherly kindness, love... God, I love my employees. The've made me a multi-millionaire with their blood, sweat, tears and lungs.
Jennifer Anderson
If I discovered who posted the letter I sent, I'd tell him or her that I’m glad we have different opinions. Let’s talk about them. But before we talk, you're fired. I like firing people.
My management team knows I’m a passionate fiscal conservative. I’m sorry that I didn’t hear directly from that employee.
John Schnatter
Have you ever sinned against Papa John's Pizza? Yeah! Have you blasphemed against me. No. That won't work. They don't believe I'm as godlike as I think I am.
Robert E. Murray
Lord, I ask for your guidance in this drastic time with the drastic decisions that will be made to have any hope of our survival as an American business enterprise.
Jennifer Anderson
I’m hurt that some customers have chosen to boycott my store. They will not only hurt me as a Republican, but will hurt Democrats who work here, too.
John Schnatter
Two million free pizzas! Twenty-four to thirty-two million dollars! Dumped on a loser! Me and my big mouth!
Robert E. Murray
Dear Lord. The American people have made their choice. They have decided that America must change its course, away from the principals I believe in. That's okay. Their will be another election. Capitalism, economic responsibility and personal acceptance will win in the end. Mitt will not quit. Mitt will not quit!
Jennifer Anderson
I’ll be making financial decisions which could affect how many employees I have and our healthcare. I took the time to tell my employees what the bottom line will be and the importance of their vote for Romney/Ryan, even though Romney has no real chance of winning California, now I’m getting shot for exercising my right to freedom of speech against their right to vote as their conscience guides them. Where will it all end. I need a week at Grand Cayman. Maybe two.
(Lights down.)
END
The plays, posted here, are available for production. You may present these plays royalty free, but only with permission of Thomas M. Kelly, in writing. No performance of his or Seamus O'Shea's plays without first notifying Thomas M. Kelly or Seamus O'Shea. The play(s) may be produced, performed or read, before an audience, whether an admission fee is charged or not in a community theatre setting. The above is with the exception of professional theatres: Professional productions must receive a Professional Royalty Quote from Thomas M. Kelly at tddtheatre@aol.com OR Seamus O'Shea at seamus.oshea@ymail.com .
