PAC IX: “...legitimate rape.”, 

by Thomas M. Kelly © 2012

SUPER 
Political Action Comedy

"SUPER PAC" 

A series of ten + minute plays 

by Thomas M. Kelly & Seamus O'Shea.

Comments on the politics of the times: 

Before and after the 2012 Elections in theatrical format.

Characters: 

WHAMor:  Wobble Head Assemblage & Marketing Creator and Lord of the world of Political Wobble Heads®™, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan(where ever Mitt Romney & Paul Ryan wobble they wobble backward or side to side weaving and bobbing), Bill Clinton, Beebee Netanyahu, Bella Abzug, JFK, FDR, LBJ, HST, Sir Winston, Teddy Roosevelt, Sarah Palin, Hilary Clinton, Harry Reid, Dickie Cheeeney, Joe Biden, Karl Rove, Anne Romney, Claire McCaskill, Clint Eastwood, Todd Akin. Gabriel Gomez, John Soltz, Rudy Giuliani, Stephanie Cutter, John Bolton, Reince Priebus, Jim DeMint, Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, John Huntsman, Liz Cheeeney, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. (Any such as the establishment so chooses.)
Premise:
Wobble Head Rules:
Wobble Heads have labels "Made in China" on their backside.
Wobble Heads do not walk, they wobble side to side, and turn in place by wobbling.
Only the head on all models of the Wobble Head moves.  The arms and legs are rigidly placed by their sides.
Wobble Heads are created by The Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing, "WHAM" or "WHAMor" for short and staff of Wobble Head makers.
Set:
On a storage shelf labeled "Wobble Heads: Old and New" in the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet.
No more than five actors on stage at one time.  All other Wobble Heads do not speak unless spoken to.

PAC IX: “...legitimate rape.”, 

by Thomas M. Kelly © 2012

(Wobble Heads® on stage:  Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, 

Claire McCaskill, Harry Reid and Todd Akin.)

[Same set.  Two days later. A bell rings and the storeroom lights go up revealing that Mitt Romney (where ever Mitt Romney wobbles he wobbles in a backward motion) is gone and two new Wobble Heads® Claire McCaskill and Todd Akin are on the shelf.  All Wobble Heads® are standing erect, in alphabetical order and in a neat row except for Paul Ryan, and Joe Biden.  They are facing each other in a 'stock boy' stare down.  The shelf is still packed with Wobble Heads®, (Suggestions): HST, Bella Abzug, César Chávez, JFK, FDR, Sir Winston, Queen Victoria, LBJ, Ty Cobb, Nat King Cole, Jackie Robinson, Howard Cosell, Jesse Owens, Hank Snow, John Wayne, Kitty Wells, Hank Williams, Ronald Reagan, et cetera.  Behind Paul Ryan, Harry Reid is wobbling back and forth saying "Wonk-wonk!, Wonk-wonk!, Wonk-wonk!, Wonk-wonk!," continuously.]

Todd Akin

Don't you folks believe that “legitimate rape” rarely results in pregnancy?

Paul Ryan

That depends on how you define a legitimate rape?

Sarah Palin

Sometimes we're actually right when we go with our gut and stand on principle in supporting underdog candidates.

Todd Akin

A legitimate ...

Claire McCaskill (Interrupting.)

I don't want to hear how you think a rape is made "legitimate".

Joe Biden

Hey Todd.  I hear Cornyn won't spend money to help elect you to the Senate after your comments.  Are you saying that “legitimate” rape is an attempt to blame the victim?  Are you saying that she may have been asking to be raped?  If you stay in the race we could, ya' know... debate this.  Give you some national television coverage.  Wha'd'ya say Todd ol' buddy?

Todd Akin

From what I understand from doctors ... if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.

Joe Biden

With Romney it's "self-deport" with you it's "self-abort".  Where do the Republicans get these crazy people?.

(During this part of the scene Wobble Heads® are very actively "mosh-pitting": loud and boistrous argument, wobbling back and forth, nose to nose, over-yelling-speaking at each other.)

Claire McCaskill

Akin’s choice of words isn’t the real issue here, Joe!

Harry Reid

The Republican party is the real issue!  Romney and Ryan's policies on women and their health are desperately wrong!

Todd Akin

But let’s assume that maybe that body defense thing didn’t work or something: it failed!  Even if a pregnancy did result, the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child!

Claire McCaskill

His comments give voters a window into his mind!  In his world view, the rape victim's body will be the ultimate judge of whether a crime has taken place!

Harry Reid

According to Akin, if the victim gets pregnant, her reproductive organs consented to the pregnancy, so she must have consented to the sex!  His "misspoke" cannot be dismissed as a gaffe!  A gaffe is Christine O’Donnell’s misspeak:  "Masturbation is equivalent to adultery."  Where was she during the nun's health education classes?  Guilt will prevail!

Todd Akin

Ok!  Ok!  Ok!  In reviewing my off-the-cuff remarks, it's clear that I misspoke!

Claire McCaskill

Misspoke?  You said something you sincerely meant!  , By making those statements, you scared the crap out of your constituents and now you want to back away, without apologizing to all the rape victims who didn't voluntarily turn into granite statues or wood carvings or crepe myrtle bushes to stop the pregnancy from proceeding!  It is one more clue that the GOP is waging war on women by denying them their vagina!  The nerve of you damned Republicans!

Claire McCaskill

More than twenty-five thousand women become pregnant as the result of rape, and of that twenty-five thousand most could potentially have been prevented with emergency contraception: the morning-after pill!  Would you prosecute a victim of rape for murder if she used the morning-after pill to abort?

Joe Biden

If a thirteen year old was emotionally manipulated into having sex with a thirty-five year old man, that thirteen year old victim would no longer be able to use Medicaid to terminate a resulting pregnancy if Todd Akin and Paul Ryan's measure had passed.  Nor would her parents be able to use their tax-exempt health savings fund.  Because it would have banned the use of federal funds for abortion except in cases of "forcible rape"

Sarah Palin

Because it would have banned the use of federal funds for abortion except in cases of "forcible rape".

Joe Biden

Now that's a deceptively sinister and redundant phrase I can attribute to you, Sarah Palin.  Isn't rape by definition a crime of force?  Shouldn't all victims of rape, whatever their circumstances, have access to the morning-after pill?  And should health insurance cover non-emergency contraception?

Paul Ryan

Forcible rape is the "stock language" we used in our Republican platform.  It really doesn't matter.  It's just another method of conception.  Under the Romney replacement for Obamacare...

Joe Biden

Wait a minute.  The Affordable Care Act which you like to call Obamacare, is a mirror image of the Romney Massachusetts Health Care Plan

WHAMor

All remaining Claire McCaskill Wobble Heads please wobble to the packing area to prepare for shipment to our Missouri retail outlets.  Todd Akin Wobble Heads please wobble to the retro-fit area for re-assignment.

(As Claire McCaskill and Todd Akin wobble to the exit we can hear them arguing and bickering.  Wobble in Gabriel Gomez (former Navy Seal Special Operations Education Funds  OPSEF) and John Soltz (Pres. of Vote Vets).

Joe Biden  (Whispering.)

Sarah.  Who are these guys?

Sarah Palin

I don't know but they are HOT!

Joe Biden

Welcome to WHAM, guys!  What brings you here?

Gabriel Gomez

I have no idea.  What the hell is WHAM?

Sarah Palin

WHAM!  Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing.  You are Wobble Head surrogates.

John Soltz  (Pres. of Vote Vets)

Uninformed and manipulated as he is, Mr. Gomez was duped by the Republican Party bigwigs to accuse the White House of high-level leaks that they say were designed to make the president look good as the November elections approach.

Gabriel Gomez

and (former Navy Seal Special Operations Education Funds  OPSEF)

As President of Vets Vote, he's here to defend President Obama.

John Soltz 

That's Vote Vets.  And yes I am.

Sarah Palin

Ah yes.  So that's what we're doing.  We're resorting to 'Swift Boat' tactics against Obama.

Gabriel Gomez

You betcha'  He's taking credit for the killing of Osama Bin Laden.

John Soltz

His OPSEC group, was established as a non-profit, which means that it doesn't have to disclose their donors.   "The Republicans are resorting to 'Swift Boat' tactics because when it comes to foreign policy and national security, Mitt Romney has offered nothing but reckless rhetoric."

Gabriel Gomez

"Mr. President, you did not kill Osama bin Laden, America did. The work that the American military has done killed Osama bin Laden. You did not."

Joe Biden

President Obama is not here today.  He's so popular that WHAM is out of his stock and has been for some time.

Gabriel Gomez

"As a citizen, it is my civic duty to tell the president to stop leaking information to the enemy, it will get Americans killed."

WHAMor  (v.o.)

All remaining Gabriel Gomez, John Soltz, Rudy Giuliani and Stephanie Cutter Wobble Heads please wobble to the packing area to prepare for shipment to begin a national tour with your respective political parties.

(Sarah Palin follows Gabriel Gomez and John Soltz wobble to the exit we can hear the two men arguing.  They are followed by Rudy Giuliani and Stephanie Cutter Wobble in as if from another shelf.  They are arguing as they wobble across the stage.)

Cutter Stephanie

...“chains” comment is nothing but a “distraction from the larger point” Joe was trying to make.  Romney’s “faux outrage” and his “complaining and whining about the tone of this race is really completely hypocritical.”

Rudy Giuliani  (Interrupting.)

“I mean, there’s a real fear if, God forbid, he ever had to be entrusted with the presidency, whether he really has the mental capacity to handle it....”

Stephanie Cutter   (Interrupting.)

I would like to refer you to your glowing introduction of Sarah Palin during the 2008 Convention.  If you want to criticize the capacity of Joe to take hold of this country, you should remember those remarks you made during the 2008 Convention and whether you still believe that they’re true.

(Rudy Giuliani and Stephanie Cutter Wobble off stage..  They argue as they wobble across the stage.  They exit.  Horns blast over (b.o.).)

WHAMor

Belay that last directive, Todd Akin.  The Democratic party has placed a huge order for you.    Congrats Todd you "live" again, but please proceed to the retro fit department to lengthen your arms and bow your back to conform to a 'knuckle-dragging' Neanderthal Wobble Heads along with Romney consultants John Bolton, Eliot Cohen, Cofer Black and Paula Dobriansky: men and women who lied to us to get us into two extended wars.

END

The plays, posted here, are available for production.  You may present these plays royalty free, but only with permission of Thomas M. Kelly, in writing.  No performance of his or Seamus O'Shea's plays without first notifying Thomas M. Kelly or Seamus O'Shea.  The play(s) may be produced, performed or read, before an audience, whether an admission fee is charged or not in a community theatre setting.  The above is with the exception of professional theatres:   Professional productions must receive a Professional Royalty Quote from Thomas M. Kelly at tddtheatre@aol.com  OR   Seamus O'Shea at  seamus.oshea@ymail.com  .