PAC IV "That's me folks!  

See ya' in the White House!" 

by Seamus O' Shea © 2012

SUPER  
Political Action Comedy

"SUPER PAC" 

A series of ten + minute plays 
by Thomas M. Kelly & Seamus O'Shea.

Comments on the politics of the times: 

Before and after the 2012 Elections in theatrical format.

Characters: 

WHAMor:  Wobble Head Assemblage & Marketing Creator and Lord of the world of Political Wobble Heads®™, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan(where ever Mitt Romney & Paul Ryan wobble they wobble backward or side to side weaving and bobbing), Bill Clinton, Beebee Netanyahu, Bella Abzug, JFK, FDR, LBJ, HST, Sir Winston, Teddy Roosevelt, Sarah Palin, Hilary Clinton, Harry Reid, Dickie Cheeeney, Joe Biden, Karl Rove, Anne Romney, Claire McCaskill, Clint Eastwood, Todd Akin. Gabriel Gomez, John Soltz, Rudy Giuliani, Stephanie Cutter, John Bolton, Reince Priebus, Jim DeMint, Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, John Huntsman, Liz Cheeeney, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. (Any such as the establishment so chooses.)
Premise:
Wobble Head Rules:
Wobble Heads have labels "Made in China" on their backside.
Wobble Heads do not walk, they wobble side to side, and turn in place by wobbling.
Only the head on all models of the Wobble Head moves.  The arms and legs are rigidly placed by their sides.
Wobble Heads are created by The Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing, "WHAM" or "WHAMor" for short and staff of Wobble Head makers.
Set:
On a storage shelf labeled "Wobble Heads: Old and New" in the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet.
No more than five actors on stage at one time.  All other Wobble Heads do not speak unless spoken to.

PAC IV "That's me folks!  See ya' in the White House!" 

by Seamus O' Shea © 2012

(Wobble Heads® on stage: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Harry Reid, Dickie Cheeeney.)

[Same set.  Two days later. A bell rings and the storeroom lights go up revealing all Wobble Heads® standing erect, in alphabetical order and in a neat row.  The shelf is packed with Wobble Heads® (Dolls non-actors.), (Suggestions): Bella Abzug  HST, César Chávez, JFK, FDR, Sir Winston, Queen Victoria, LBJ, et cetera.]

WHAMor  (v.o.)

All remaining Barack Obama Wobble Heads please wobble to the packing area to prepare for shipment to the D Triple C.

Barack Obama

That's me folks!  See ya' in the White House!  Good luck with that run Mitt!

(As Barack Obama wobbles to the exit we can hear him singing Al Green's "Let's stay Together".)

Sarah Palin  (Swooning orgasmically.)

If only he was a Republican.  Oh, oh, oh.

Hillary Clinton

Eat yer' heart out Palin.  I saw 'im first.

Sarah Palin

Ya' know, some of those new models over there look like illegals.  No amnesty!  You betcha'!  There are about 12 million of them illegals in this warehouse ya' know.  Do they all have papers?

Hillary Clinton

Our new neighbors are all have papers, Sarah.  They are all Passed  as in dead, models.

Sarah Palin

Are they victims of ObamaCare death panels?

Hillary Clinton

No, Sarah.  They are just old dead Wobble Heads.

Mitt Romney

Is warehouse going to be called the dead zone?

Harry Reid

No.  It's election time.  WHAMor is re-stocking shelves.  My sales should be picking up after calling you out Mitt.

Mitt Romney

Ah!  That means more of me are coming, too!  My campaign is "heating up", as they say in the campaign vernacular.

Harry Reid

I'm not running for re-election.  I'm just popular for not havin'ta worry about what I say.  So I say it!  Be damned!  "Put up, or shut up, Mitt, you twitt."

Sarah Palin

What do you say to that, Mitt?

Hillary Clinton

He can't answer, because he is hiding something from the electorate.  When Mitt makes a statement it comes with an expiration date.  Do you have a comment, Sarah?

Sarah Palin

No comment.  Oh... Yes, I do.  Twitt happens.  Sorry Mitt, just had ta' say it, just ta' be able ta' say it.

Dickie Cheeeney

You haven't learned much since your time with John, Sarah.  His decision to pick you as his running mate in 2008 when, in my opinion you were not ready for prime time, was “a mistake”.  You are still not ready.  Perhaps when you are ready I can put on my short list if and when I make my run.

Sarah Palin

I.  Was.  A.  Mis - take?  What do you call weapons of mass destruction,... yellow cake?  Bad judgement?  Whoa!  Back-up!  What do you mean?  What run?

Hillary Clinton

Sarah.  “I don’t consider him a particularly reliable source.”

Dickie Cheeeney

I just thought it was not  (Hesitation.)  the process didn’t meet the standards I would like to see our candidates pursue when they pick a — a running mate.

Sarah Palin

I have a long memory, Dickie.  The last time I saw you, you looked like those dead Wobble Heads over there.  (Wobbling to face the dead Wobble Heads®.)

Mitt Romney

Mr. Vice President Cheney!  Forgive me.  This has been an arduous, exacting campaign.  I was just checking my eyelids for leaks and I heard your distinctive voice pattern.  This is hard work.  But "Be not afraid."  First there was Gingrich, (Whispering to Cheney.) (Aside.) What a dangerous wind bag

(Return.),

... then Santorum (Whispering to Cheney.) (Aside.) What a snob,  (Raised eyes.)

... he and Bachman, oy,vey!  (Return.)

... and then there was Kerry and

Hillary Clinton

You must mean Governor Perry of Texas, Mitt.

Mitt Romney

Oh. Oh, yes.  Thank you, Mrs. Clinto

(Hillary Clinton nods.)

Mitt Romney

And then there was that "9-9-9" guy... What was his name?

Harry Reid

Herman Cain?

Mitt Romney

Yes.  I think.  Or was it the little guy, Ron Paul?  6-6-6?  No matter ... That is in the past.  I am looking forward to the future.

Dickie Cheeeney

Please don't say "Forward", Mitt.  That's a dirty word.

Mitt Romney

Oh.  Yes.  (Looks to heaven.)  Sorry, Father.  (Returns to Dickie Cheeeney.)  Where am I?  Oh!  Yes.  Mr. Cheney, sir!  How are you, sir?

Dickie Cheeeney

"Except for the occasional heart attack, I never felt better."  Say, Mitt, I heard through your WHAMor grapevine that...

Mitt Romney

You heard I was running for the big job.  You heard right!  But I heard you got a new heart!  Congratulations!  That is just marvelous!  Reminds me of Paul Ryan's Budget Plan.  Marvelous plan.  (So excited he wobbles.)  I must say that I revere your work in big Daddy George Bush's administration.

Dickie Cheeeney

I was Vice President under George W. Bush.  Big daddy's son.

Mitt Romney

Ah. Ummmm yes.  Well... We should skip that.  The wars, you know.  Now.  Where was I?  Ah, yes...As I was saying, I would hug you, but, like you, I can not move my appendages and if I could I can not, nor would I ever, nor never could or be caught, showing my, ughm ... emotions,  affection.  Publicly,... that is,... .  Anyway Mother and Father maintained that to do so, ... you know... that!  Hugging... was a sign of weakness.

Harry Reid

I am sure Seamus also felt un-hugged in that cage up on the top of your station wagon.

Mitt Romney

Not now Harry.  I am sure Mr. Cheney  (Pronounces it Chain-ey")  is not here to talk about a dead dog.

Dickie Cheeeney

It's pronounced Chee-nee, Mitt.  By the way... I heard through your WHAMOR grapevine that the...

Hillary Clinton  (Interrupting. Over-speaking.)

Seamus!  That was his name, is downstairs among the Wobble Head dogs.

Harry Reid

Not any more.  Sold out during the last Republican primary circus.  Very popular with Mitt's opponents.  What was your cut on "Seamus the  Wobble Head Dog", Mitt?  Is it accounted for in your sales records?  "Put up, or shut up, Mitt, you twit."

Hillary Clinton

You know what they say Harry, "Twitt happens".

Mitt Romney

Not now Harry.  We should all give a thunderous ugh,... warm welcome to Mr. Cheney  er... Sheenee.  Well as much as Wobble Heads can be thunderous and warm.

Dickie Cheeeney

It's pronounced Chee-nee, Mitt.  Don't bother with the welcome fellas.  It is I who should be welcoming you: As newcomers.  Except for Hillary and Harry, that is.  I've been represented here a long time, Mitt.  Long before you.  As VP to Dubya, ...

Harry Reid  (Interrupting. Over-speaking.)

...Weapons of mass destruction...

Dickie Cheeeney  (Interrupting. Over-speaking.)

Secretary of Defense for Dubya,...

Hillary Clinton  (Interrupting. Over-speaking.)

...anthrax, yellow cake, nuclear weapons...

Dickie Cheeeney  (Interrupting. Over-speaking.)

... House Minority Whip, Member of the House of Representatives from Wyoming, chief of staff for Gerry Ford, et cetera, et cetera.

Hillary Clinton

He failed to mention that his distant cousins are Harry Truman and Barack Obama.

Dickie Cheeeney

"Every family has a black sheep."  He said it, I didn't!  We can choose our friends and political partners, but not our relatives, Hillary.

Hillary Clinton

You also attended Yale, my alma mater, but flunked out twice.

Dickie Cheeeney

I had trouble adjusting....

Harry Reid  (Interrupting. Overspeaking.)

DWI's ...Driving While Intoxicated,... twice, before he was 22.

Dickie Cheeeney

Those arrests made me "think about where I was and where I was headed.  I was headed down a bad road if I continued on that course."

Sarah Palin  (Interrupting. Overspeaking.)

He applied for and received five draft deferments during the Vietnam war.

Dickie Cheeeney

"I had other priorities in the '60s than military service."  I received deferments to finish college.

Hillary Clinton (Interrupting. Overspeaking.)

It took you six years to finish college rather than four.

Dickie Cheeeney

"I was advised to drop out" ... occasionally ... "because of my ... unplanned, you know... sub-par academic performance."  I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth.  I had a family.  I had to work.  To feed them and pay for my education.

Harry Reid

Don't go hunting with this man, Mitt.  Homeland Security rescinded his license to carry, for his safety and those lawyers thirty to forty feet away from him.

Dickie Cheeeney

Speaking of security, I heard through your WHAMor grapevine...

Mitt Romney

You know "I went moose hunting,... actually – not moose hunting, I am sorry, elk hunting with friends in Montana.  I have always been a small varmint hunter.  I hunted the little varmints, more than two times since I was a kid."

Sarah Palin  (Interrupting. Overspeaking.)

When I was ten years old, Dickie, I killed my first rabbit: Mmm, good.  A high organic protein source, served with sides of "smashed taters 'n' buttery corn".  Mmm, pure goodness.  You betcha'!  Mr. Whittington, on the other hand, was neither a "high organic protein source", nor did he belong "next to" sides of "smashed taters 'n' buttery corn".

Dickie Cheeeney

Mr. Whittington and I have called the incident an accident.

Sarah Palin

Did you settle out of court with Mr. Whittington, Dickie?  Did we, the taxpayers, pay or did you pay it out of your pocket?

Mitt Romney

What kind of query is that, Sarah?  You were a "severely conservative Republican governor" like me.  Where is your severely conservative Republican party spirit and loyalty?

Sarah Palin

Party loyalty went out the window with your comment about John's "mistake".  I am still a "severely conservative Republican", and a violently loyal member of the Tea Party, you betcha', but I resigned as governor of Alaska.  I discovered I could make more money and grab a lot more national notoriety, like my own reality tv show.  You betcha'!

Mitt Romney

Now there is a true Republican Capitalist.

Dickie Cheeeney  (Whispering aside to Mitt Romney.)

I still don't trust her, Mitt.  She acts like a five year old with authority

Hillary Clinton

Did you at least apologize to Mr. Whittington?

Dickie Cheeeney

It was an accident!, Mrs. Clinton!  What is this pick on Dick Cheenee day at the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet?

Hillary Clinton

You have that look about you that says "Go fuck yourself.".

Dickie Cheeeney

"Heh-heh-heh-heh."  "You remember that, huh?"  Leahy'll never forget it.  "You’d be surprised how many people liked that."  "Heh-heh-heh-heh."  "That was sort of the best thing I ever did."

(Lights down.)

END

The plays, posted here, are available for production.  You may present these plays royalty free, but only with permission of Thomas M. Kelly, in writing.  No performance of his or Seamus O'Shea's plays without first notifying Thomas M. Kelly or Seamus O'Shea.  The play(s) may be produced, performed or read, before an audience, whether an admission fee is charged or not in a community theatre setting.  The above is with the exception of professional theatres:   Professional productions must receive a Professional Royalty Quote from Thomas M. Kelly at tddtheatre@aol.com  OR   Seamus O'Shea at  seamus.oshea@ymail.com  .