PAC V  The Wrong Speech 

by Thomas M. Kelly © 2012

SUPER  
Political Action Comedy

"SUPER PAC" 

A series of ten + minute plays 

by Thomas M. Kelly & Seamus O'Shea.

Comments on the politics of the times: 

Before and after the 2012 Elections in theatrical format.

Characters: 

WHAMor:  Wobble Head Assemblage & Marketing Creator and Lord of the world of Political Wobble Heads®™, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan(where ever Mitt Romney & Paul Ryan wobble they wobble backward or side to side weaving and bobbing), Bill Clinton, Beebee Netanyahu, Bella Abzug, JFK, FDR, LBJ, HST, Sir Winston, Teddy Roosevelt, Sarah Palin, Hilary Clinton, Harry Reid, Dickie Cheeeney, Joe Biden, Karl Rove, Anne Romney, Claire McCaskill, Clint Eastwood, Todd Akin. Gabriel Gomez, John Soltz, Rudy Giuliani, Stephanie Cutter, John Bolton, Reince Priebus, Jim DeMint, Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, John Huntsman, Liz Cheeeney, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. (Any such as the establishment so chooses.)
Premise:
Wobble Head Rules:
Wobble Heads have labels "Made in China" on their backside.
Wobble Heads do not walk, they wobble side to side, and turn in place by wobbling.
Only the head on all models of the Wobble Head moves.  The arms and legs are rigidly placed by their sides.
Wobble Heads are created by The Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing, "WHAM" or "WHAMor" for short and staff of Wobble Head makers.
Set:
On a storage shelf labeled "Wobble Heads: Old and New" in the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet.
No more than five actors on stage at one time.  All other Wobble Heads do not speak unless spoken to.

PAC V  The Wrong Speech by Thomas M. Kelly © 2012

Inspired by a quote from John Huntsman: "Romney is a perfectly lubricated weather vane."

(Wobble Heads® John Huntsman, Jim DeMint, Bill Kristol, Liz Cheeeney  Donald Rumsfeld, John Bolton are on stage as Mitt Romney is heard speaking to a group.  He can be heard as v.o..)

Mitt Romney  (v.o.)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you all very much.

Thanks to all of you for that warm welcome.  It’s great to be with so many friends from the National Rifle Association.  This fine organization is sometimes called a single-issue group.  That’s high praise when the single issue is freedom.  All of you can be proud of your long and unwavering defense of our constitutional rights and liberties.

(v.o. Is turned down to accommodate off-stage dialogue.)

Bill Kristol

National Rifle Association!  This is not the National Rifle Association!  He's giving the National Rifle Association speech  to the National Association of Chiefs of Police!  What is he doing?

Liz Cheeney

No!  No!  It's the ...

Donald Rumsfeld

Bill Kristol, you are the neo-con in this organization, find a way to get him off that stage!  Text... or whatever you do... Message him..., Twitt or Tweet him!..., Whatever you do now-a-days.  Do something.

Mitt Romney  (v.o.)

I’m not a big-game hunter.  I’ve made it very clear, I’ve always been a, if you will, a rodent and rabbit hunter all right? Small, small varmints, if you will.  And I began when I was, oh, 15 or so, and have hunted those kinds of varmints since then -- more than two times. I also hunted quail in Georgia, so I’ve -- it’s not really big-game hunting, if you will, however. It’s not deer and large animals. But I’ve hunted a number of times of various types of small rodents.

Bill Kristol

(v.o. is turned down to accommodate off-stage dialogue.  Bill Kristol whispers to Mitt Romney.)

Mitt!  Yo, Mitt!  Pssst!  

(Bill Kristol motions for Mitt Romney to come off stage.

Mitt Romney  (v.o.)

We need a president ... Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.  Yes, Mr. Kristol.  What is it?  

(Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton huddle at the edge of stage left.  Mitt Romney can be heard off stage in a loud whisper.)

Mitt Romney

What is it?  What's the problem?

Donald Rumsfeld

Mitt you're giving the NRA speech to the National Association of Chiefs of Police!

Liz Cheeeney

No, this is the....

Mitt Romney

So?  What speech.  Plug me in.  What do you think they want to hear?  I can do this!

John Bolton

The difference is that this group is the law and order speech.

Liz Cheeeney

No!  No!  This is...

Mitt Romney

One speech is as good as another and one group can listen as good as the next.  

(They each throw up their hands as Mitt Romney continues to the podium and can be heard to say...)

Mitt Romney 

Sorry for the interruption ladies and gentlemen.  Now where was I?  Oh yes.  I was telling you something of my heritage. My mother is of Welsh heritage as I just mentioned.  However, my dad, you probably know, was the governor of Michigan and was the head of a car company, but he was born in Mexico.  And had he been born of Mexican parents I'd have a better shot at winning this, but he was [audience laughs] unfortunately born of Americans living in Mexico.  

(Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton each jump up and down and wave their hands as Mitt Romney continues...)

... They'd lived there for a number of years, and, uh, I mean I say that jokingly, (Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton wave their hands motioning and "Psssting" Mitt Romney to come off stage.)  Excuse me again ladies and gentlemen.

Mitt Romney

What is it now?

Liz Cheeeney

Wrong speech!

Donald Rumsfeld

Wrong audience!

Mitt Romney

Which is it?  What's the difference?  Don't interrupt me again!

(They each throw up their hands as Mitt Romney continues to the podium and can be heard to say...)

Sorry for the interruption ladies and gentlemen.  Now where was I?  Oh yes.  I was talking about safety.  We need a president who will stand up for the rights of hunters, sportsmen and those who seek to protect their homes and their families.  President Obama has not; I will.  I believe we can in fact protect ourselves and we can be armed  (Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton each jump up and down and wave their hands as Mitt Romney continues...)  with safety because we are in charge of our lives because God has made us sovereign, not the government.

(Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton wave their hands motioning and "Psssting" Mitt Romney to come off stage again.)  Excuse me again ladies and gentlemen.

Mitt Romney

What is it now?

Liz Cheeeney

Wrong audience!

Bill Kristol

Switch to the Social Security speech. 

Donald Rumsfeld

Wrong speech!  The Chinese...

Mitt Romney

OK.  Here we go again. (Mitt Romney returns to the podium.) 

Sorry for the interruption ladies and gentlemen.  We'll get it right.  I'm sure we will.  I want to talk to you about Chinese capitalism.  I toured a factory where they made various small appliances, and as we were walking through this facility, seeing them work, the number of hours they worked per day, the pittance they earned, living in dormitories with little bathrooms at the end with maybe ten rooms. And the rooms, they had 12 girls per room, three bunk beds on top of each other.  Around this factory was a fence, a huge fence with barbed wire, and guard towers.  And we said, "Gosh, I can't believe that you, you know, you keep these girls in." (Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton each jump up and down and wave their hands as Mitt Romney continues...)  They said, "No, no, no—this is to keep other people from coming in. Because people want so badly to come work in this factory that we have to keep them out, or they'll just come in here and start working and try and get compensated. So, we—this is to keep people out."  (Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton wave their hands motioning and "Psssting" Mitt Romney to come off stage again.)  Excuse me again ladies and gentlemen.

Mitt Romney

What is it now?

Liz Cheeeney

Wrong audience!

Bill Kristol

Switch to the Social Security speech... 

Donald Rumsfeld

Wrong speech!  Palestine...

Mitt Romney

OK.  Here we go again. (Mitt Romney returns to the podium.) 

Sorry for the interruption ladies and gentlemen.  We'll get it right.  I'm sure we will.  I really do know what I'm doing.  (Prep school snarky.)  Even though my campaign directors do not.  I want to talk to you about Palestine... er I mean the State of Isreal.  I'm torn by two perspectives in this regard. One is the one which I've had for some time, which is that the Palestinians have no interest whatsoever in establishing peace. And that the pathway to peace is almost unthinkable to accomplish.  (Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton each jump up and down and wave their hands as Mitt Romney continues...)  Now, why do I say that?  Some might say well just let the Palestinians have the West Bank and have security and set up a separate nation for the Palestinians. And then come a couple of thorny questions.  (Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton wave their hands motioning and "Psssting" Mitt Romney to come off stage again.)

Mitt Romney

What is it now?

Liz Cheeeney

Wrong audience!

Bill Kristol

Switch to the Social Security speech... 

Donald Rumsfeld

Wrong speech!  Obamacare...

Mitt Romney (Mitt Romney returns to the podium.)

OK.  Here we go again.  Sorry for the interruption ladies and gentlemen.  Did you know that women voters are open to supporting me?  They like the president I guess because he's cute, but they're disappointed.  They're disappointed with the jobs they're seeing for their kids, they're disappointed with their own economic standing right now.  So we can capture women's votes, we're having a much harder time with Hispanic voters.  And if the Hispanic voting bloc becomes as committed to the Democrats as the African American voting bloc has in the past,  (Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton each jump up and down and wave their hands as Mitt Romney continues...)... why we're in trouble ... (Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton wave their hands motioning and "Psssting" Mitt Romney to come off stage again.)... as a party and, I think, as a nation.

Mitt Romney

What!?

Liz Cheeeney

We just lost the Hispanic vote!

Bill Kristol

We just lost the black vote!

Donald Rumsfeld

We just lost the women's vote!

Mitt Romney (Mitt Romney returns to the podium.)

What now?  How about.... ?  OK.  Here we go again.  Sorry for the interruption ladies and gentlemen.  I should have started with this speech.  Now that I know where I am... Here we go.  Did you know that there are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what.  All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe that government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. That that's an entitlement.  And the government should give it to them.  And they will vote for this president no matter what. And I mean, the president starts off with 48, 49, 48—he starts off with a huge number.  These are people who pay no income tax.  Forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax.  So our message of low taxes doesn't connect.  And he'll be out there talking about tax cuts for the rich.  

Audience  (The audience erupts.)

Booo, No,  No,  Booo.  Booo, No,  No,  Booo. 

(Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton each jump up and down and wave their hands as Mitt Romney continues...)

Mitt Romney

I mean that's what they sell every four years.  And so my job is not to worry about those people—I'll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.  What I have to do is convince the 5 to 10 percent in the center that are independents that are thoughtful, ...

Audience 

Booo, No,  No,  Booo.  Booo, No,  No,  Booo. 

Mitt Romney

...that look at voting one way or the other depending upon in some cases emotion, whether they like the guy or not, what it looks like.  I mean, when you ask those people… 

(Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton each jump up and down and wave their hands as Mitt Romney continues...)

Audience 

Booo, No,  No,  Booo.  Booo, No,  No,  Booo. 

Mitt Romney

...we do all these polls—I find it amazing—we poll all these people, see where you stand on the polls, ...

(Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton each jump up and down and wave their hands as Mitt Romney continues...)

Audience 

Booo, No,  No,  Booo.  Booo, No,  No,  Booo. 

Mitt Romney

... but 45 percent of the people will go with a Republican, and 48…

(Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, Liz Cheeeney and John Bolton wave their hands motioning and "Psssting" Mitt Romney to come off stage again.)

Audience 

Booo, No,  No,  Booo.  Booo, No,  No,  Booo. 

Mitt Romney

What is going on here?

Liz Cheeeney

Didn't you see all the wheelchairs and walkers?  My father was in one of the wheelchairs! 

Audience

Booo, No,  No,  Booo.  Booo, No,  No,  Booo.

(Lights down.)

END

The plays, posted here, are available for production.  You may present these plays royalty free, but only with permission of Thomas M. Kelly, in writing.  No performance of his or Seamus O'Shea's plays without first notifying Thomas M. Kelly or Seamus O'Shea.  The play(s) may be produced, performed or read, before an audience, whether an admission fee is charged or not in a community theatre setting.  The above is with the exception of professional theatres:   Professional productions must receive a Professional Royalty Quote from Thomas M. Kelly at tddtheatre@aol.com  OR   Seamus O'Shea at  seamus.oshea@ymail.com  .