PAC I: "My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner." 

by Thomas M. Kelly © 2012

SUPER 

Political Action Comedy

"SUPER PAC" 

A series of ten + minute plays 

by Thomas M. Kelly & Seamus O'Shea.

Comments on the politics of the times: 

Before and after the 2012 Elections in theatrical format.

Characters: 

WHAMor:  Wobble Head Assemblage & Marketing Creator and Lord of the world of Political Wobble Heads®™, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan(where ever Mitt Romney & Paul Ryan wobble they wobble backward or side to side weaving and bobbing), Bill Clinton, Beebee Netanyahu, Bella Abzug, JFK, FDR, LBJ, HST, Sir Winston, Teddy Roosevelt, Sarah Palin, Hilary Clinton, Harry Reid, Dickie Cheeeney, Joe Biden, Karl Rove, Anne Romney, Claire McCaskill, Clint Eastwood, Todd Akin. Gabriel Gomez, John Soltz, Rudy Giuliani, Stephanie Cutter, John Bolton, Reince Priebus, Jim DeMint, Bill Kristol, Donald Rumsfeld, John Huntsman, Liz Cheeeney, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. (Any such as the establishment so chooses.)

Premise:

Wobble Head Rules:

Wobble Heads have labels "Made in China" on their backside.

Wobble Heads do not walk, they wobble side to side, and turn in place by wobbling.

Only the head on all models of the Wobble Head moves.  The arms and legs are rigidly placed by their sides.

Wobble Heads are created by The Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing, "WHAM" or "WHAMor" for short and staff of Wobble Head makers.

Set:

On a storage shelf labeled "Wobble Heads: Old and New" in the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet.

No more than five actors on stage at one time.  All other Wobble Heads do not speak unless spoken to.

PAC I: "My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner." 

by Thomas M. Kelly © 2012

(Wobble Heads® on stage: Mitt Romney, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Harry Reid.)

(Set: Storeroom shelf at the Wobble Head Warehouse Outlet.  Mitt Romney (where ever Mitt Romney wobbles he wobbles in a backward motion) is toppled over on it's back pleading for help from other Wobble Heads.  Another male Wobble Head, Harry Reid, is toppled over on it's front.  It, too, is pleading for help but in a robotic monotone voice.  Two female Wobble Heads, Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin, are standing between the two prostrate Wobble Heads, nose to nose and toe to toe, as if staged by powers beyond their control, probably stock boys having some fun.)

Mitt Romney

Mrs. Clinton.  Could you wobble over here and help me?

Hillary Clinton

I would if I could, Mitt, but I can't.  Sarah and I are having a little tête-à-tête.  So...  I won't.

Mitt Romney

How cold is that?  Harry.  Harry?  Still not speaking to me, Harry?  That's a bit "disconcerting".  (Pause.)  There must be someone I can do a favor for in the future.  I'm a Presidential contender you know.  My Wobble Head stock of me is finally moving.  God I love capitalism!  My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Harry Reid

Don't count on my help, Mitt.  You wouldn't show me your sales receipts.  I'm not showing you mine.  (Yelling at the floor for all to hear.)  "The word is out that Mitt has not accurately reported his sales receipts for the past 10 years."

Mitt Romney

Who told you that Harry?  Where is your source?  It's time to "put or shut up!"  (Silence.)  One of you could wobble over here and roll me on my side.  Mrs. Palin?  Mrs. Clinton?  I can't see a thing but the underside of Mrs. Clinton's pant suit.  (Looking heavenward.)  And Mrs. Palin's    forgive me Father, god-awful malodorous, vexatious and extremely disconcerting furry pants.   My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Sarah Palin

Hey!  Those are my Eskimo Caribou skin koo-lick-sacks.

Harry Reid

How unfortunate for the caribou.

Sarah Palin

I used to be able to see Russia from my back porch.  You betcha'!  Now all I see is Hillary's nose.  The WHAMor's stock boys must be GOProud members harassing me.

Hillary Clinton

Strange behavior.

Mitt Romney

I hate being helpless.  But I love firing people.  When I next confront those stock-persons, I'll terminate their employment.  I have financial influence.  The two of you could put a little bi-partisan effort into your stare-down diplomacy and wobble over here and help me.  (Pleading.)  Couldn't you?  My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Sarah Palin

I could if I would, Mitt, but I won't, because I'm kinda' engaged, absorbed, engrossed, occupied, er... working, in some kinda meeting here with the Big Dog's wife, so I can't.

Mitt Romney

If Ann were here she'd help me.  I'd trip her.  She'd have to help me then.  Somehow.  The Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing Creator, WHAMor, has not followed through with the promised Wobble Head of her.  What's that all about?  That's Democratic Party government for you: unfulfilled promises.  All presage and no consummation.  However, no matter, Ann's "assistance is not terribly relevant to my success".  My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Hillary Clinton

Hey, Harry!  Did ya' hear that?  Isn't Mitt the Wobble Head who professes to uphold family values?  When he was running for governor he threw Ann under the bus by ordering her to donate a measly one-hundred-fifty dollars to Planned Parenthood to get support as a pro-choice candidate.  Yesterday he said he was going to gut Planned Parenthood.  What about your one-hundred-fifty bucks, Mitt?  Are you gonna' demand a refund?

Harry Reid

Hillary, please tell Mitt that when the WHAMor asks...

Sarah Palin  (Interrupting. Over-speaking.)

Whoa!  Back-up!  I'm new here...  What's a WHAMor?

Harry Reid

WHAMor is the acronym for Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing creator.  WHAM, WHAM-or: for our cre-a-tor.  Allow me to continue.  Hillary, please tell Mitt that when the WHAMor asks for his sales reports and his receipt book, he cannot stonewall.  Back at ya', Mitt.  "Put up or shut up."  I'm only repeating what I hear.  And that is: he had more sales than he boasted which means he owes more taxes.

Hillary Clinton

Did you hear Harry, Mitt?

Mitt Romney

No.  Mrs. Clinton let me be very clear here, I only hear what I want to hear and answer those queries I want to answer, if I hear them, which isn't likely.  My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Hillary Clinton

Sarah.  Why are we toe to toe and nose to nose staring at each other?

Sarah Palin

I don't know.  But if you kiss me, I'm gonna puke fresh smoked moose meat all over you.  You betcha'!

Hillary Clinton

Me!?  Kiss a Republican?!  A Tea Partier!?

Harry Reid

Hillary!  Please help!  I can't move!

Hillary Clinton

I would wobble to help you if I could, Harry, but in this black tuxedo pant suit, I'd look like one of those Penguin Wobble Heads downstairs.

Sarah Palin

They'd claim you disrespected them.  "Only dead fish go with the flow."

Mitt Romney

Whatever that means.  The Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing sold the last Karl Rove, The Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich.  He left me with you balogna (balogny) heads.  Do you think WHAMor Marketing will re-stock the shelves soon?  My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Harry Reid

We aren't capable of thinking.  We can only remember past events and to Wobble.  Wobble Wobble.

Hillary Clinton

Sarah Palin hasn't changed.  Wobble Wobble.

Sarah Palin

Snarky.  Snarky.

Harry Reid

We can only make monotonic statements.

Mitt Romney

In mathematics, a monotonic function is a function between ordered sets that preserves the given order. This concept first arose in calculus, and was later generalized to the more abstract setting of order theory.  I applied that function to my career as a money-hungry capitalist.  That is how I was able to accumulate so much wealth... and now I can apply the monotonic function to politics to gain political power.  My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Hillary Clinton

Stuff it, Mitt!  People don't talk like that, Mitt.  You're boring me to death.

Harry Reid

No wonder you won't give The WHAMor your sales reports and receipt books.  Even I, a politician, can't understand you.  You scare me, Mitt.

Mitt Romney

That's rude!  Back in the day I'd tackle you and shave your head!

Sarah Palin

You betcha'!  Whatever.

(Bell rings.  Lights out.)

Hillary Clinton

Lights out already!  I wonder what Bill is doing?  Is he looking at the same star as me?  We never see each other.  He's always "sold out".  I'm always out

Sarah Palin

This is just like the long winter nights in Alaska.

Mitt Romney

Can you howl like a wolf, Sarah?

Sarah Palin

You betcha'!

(She howls ... seductively.)

Mitt Romney

That's just marvelous!  Kinda' sexy, too.  I'll just lay here in the dark and hope and pray Ann will arrive tomorrow.  I suppose I shouldn't say that I pray.  I can't say hope either.  The press will kill me.  My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Sarah Palin

It's a good thing the lamestream press is not here.  They'd spin everything we said from shore to shore just to make themselves look good.

Hillary Clinton

WHAMor, off-shored our manufacture to China from Hoboken.

Harry Reid

Yes, I remember it was 1992.  My election team was going to buy a million Wobble Heads of my opponent John Ensign.  They thought Ensign "wobbled" on too many issues.  They should see me now!  "Only a penny apiece, Harry!  Get 'em while they're hot, Harry!"  I had better places to spend the thousand dollars, besides we didn't have a million voters in Utah at the time.

Hillary Clinton

(Aside whispering quickly to Harry Reid.)  You represent Nevada, Harry!  Not Utah!  (To Mitt Romney.)  Uh, Mitt.  Isn't Wobble Head Assemblage and Marketing one of your companies?  Where did the American jobs go, Mitt?

Mitt Romney

Down the tubes, Harry, down the tubes.  Ann will never forgive me.  But I promised her an elegant jet aircraft for her trip.  And a fabulous coming out celebration.  My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Hillary Clinton

She's gay?

Mitt Romney

No.  You pea-brained halfwit!  

Hillary Clinton

Do you mind!  I'm the Secretary of State!

Mitt Romney

Oh?  Sorry Mrs. Clinton.  I thought you were my secretary.

Hillary Clinton

Is it me or does anyone else feel like they've been slimed in the dark?

Sarah Palin

A coming out celebration?

Mitt Romney

Yes.  I knew you'd understand Ms. Palin.  A fabulous coming out celebration. A Debutante party.  A ball.  You know... an elaborate... formal affair.  My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Hillary Clinton

She's not sixteen, Mitt.

Mitt Romney

She will always be my sweet sixteen.  My High School cheerleader.  My heroin.   My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Harry Reid

Forget it Mitt.  She'll probably arrive on a container ship at the dingy, foggy port of Oakland.  She'll be wrapped in bubble wrap or more likely surrounded by styro-foam peanuts, packed nose to butt to other Wobble Heads, in a smelly, moldy cardboard box labelled "Made in China".

Mitt Romney

Made in Malaysia.  Assembled in Vietnam.  I moved the assembly plant to Ho Chi Min City.  My name is Mitt Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

Sarah Palin

Whoa!  Back-up!  You sent our jobs to a communist country?!

Mitt Romney

Labor was cheaper.  Malaysians can pop them out of the molds for two cents each.  Ship them to Vietnam at a cost of less than a penny each.  Vietnamese children, as part of their social engineered training, attach a ...

Hillary Clinton  (Interrupting. Over-speaking.)

What!?  Child labor!?

Mitt Romney

Not really,  Mrs. Clinton.  Let me finish.  It's part of their socially engineered training.  The children attach a spring...

Hillary Clinton  Sarah Palin(Interrupting. Over-speaking.)

That's child labor!

Mitt Romney

No.  Mrs. Clinton.  Please let me finish.  For that free service, I only had to donate $500.00 to the government of Vietnam's Children's Relief Fund.  Springs are a penny a gross,or three and one one hundred forty-fourth of a cent each.  And!  Voila!  Wobble Heads!  Millions and millions of Wobble Heads!  God!  I love capitalism!  WHAMor sells them for upwards of a fifteen dollars each.  Billions and billions of Wobble Heads dollars.  AND I can write off the $500,000.00 I donated to the government of Vietnam's Children's Relief Fund on my income taxes.  Currency exchange rates, you know!  My name is Mitt ...

Harry Reid  (Interrupting.  Over-speaking.)

Ah - Ha!  Gotcha'!

Mitt Romney  (Interrupting.  Over-speaking.)

... Romney and I approve of this message, however this statement may expire tomorrow or sooner.

(LIGHTS DOWN.)
END

The plays, posted here, are available for production.  You may present these plays royalty free, but only with permission of Thomas M. Kelly, in writing.  No performance of his or Seamus O'Shea's plays without first notifying Thomas M. Kelly or Seamus O'Shea.  The play(s) may be produced, performed or read, before an audience, whether an admission fee is charged or not in a community theatre setting.  The above is with the exception of professional theatres:   Professional productions must receive a Professional Royalty Quote from Thomas M. Kelly at tddtheatre@aol.com  OR   Seamus O'Shea at  seamus.oshea@ymail.com  .